blend the green and brown

i spend a lot of my time pretending you won't answer because you know this hurts. sometimes i think you feel exactly how i feel -- too much, because we can't hear what we haven't said; too much, because we wait for answers to questions neither of us have the balls to ask. i'm shaking from my elbows up, listening to my head, spending too much of my time thinking you keep quiet because you love me and you don't want to do this to yourself, to me, to anyone, to the world.

someone looks me in the eye and tells me, "it's not about the day you're born or the day you die; it's about all the days in between," and i can't feel anything but weightless and anchored and gouged to the bone. so while i wait for the sound of feet finally moving my way, while i wait for this bullshit polynomial to solve itself -- to factor out all of its evils -- i'll take a seat and tell myself you're doing this because you love me; that pallid, brainsick, diseased love, the kind you rub into your gums and pick from beneath your fingernails. i want to bury my hands in it, fold it straight out of the wash and tear it to pieces because this is where we are. these are the days in between.

-summer 2008

come home
come home
come home

it's not me
it can't be
it's not you
i can't do
what i do
if it's you
this is not happening

it's not me
it can't be
it's not you
i can't do
what i do
if we're through
this is not happening

don't touch her there
he watched her
she knew his look from behind
when she came for christmas



i'm feelin' pretty okay -- mew is magical and i have just finished speaking to someone i thought i'd never hear from again.

here are some things i have accomplished today:

-ate cashews. a lot of them.
-deactivated my facebook account (for the time being, i guess, i just don't feel like it's necessary atm)
-read about the lavender panthers

here are some things i should/might accomplish today
-clean my room, ugh
-bathe
-clean more because my room is just that revolting

BEEN EXACTLY ONE MONTH SINCE MY LAST POST

I ACTUALLY HAVE NOTHING TO REPORT EXCEPT THAT I NOTICED IT WAS EXACTLY ONE MONTH AND FELT I SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT

ALTHOUGH NOBODY ACTUALLY READS THIS EXCEPT MAYBE AMARA OCCASIONALLY

SOME UPDATES:
-I HAVE NOT ACTUALLY LEFT THE HOUSE FOR ABOUT 14 DAYS NOW
-SERIOUSLY UGH (TAKING MY DOG OUT AROUND THE CUL DE SAC IN THE DEAD OF THE NIGHT DOES NOT COUNT)
-I SPENT WAY TOO MUCH MONEY ON SHOES (AGAIN)
-I HAVE NOT BEEN BATHING REGULARLY
-UM UH
-I HAVE BEEN RE-READING HARRY POTTER I GUESS IDK
-OH NO I AM A LOSER

PEACIN' OUT

northwestern girls, with their fresh faces
don't mess it up this time
they seem so nice

it must be in the air here
it must be in the air here
it must be in the air here

northwestern girls, i'm all grown up this time, i swear
at least I lie different when you seem so nice

it must be in the air here

all i really want for christmas is an email -- phone call -- hell, a text -- from a boy who's bad for me on too many levels to count.

the window fogs from my breath
my face pressed up close, up close against
catching the snowfall under a beam of streetlight
and i'm praying for accumulation all through the night

these confrontations, they puncture the skin
reveal evidence that you're easily broken
you're so easily broken
exposed and relentlessly streaming from the cracks
at that age when everything's seemingly life or death

please let the snow swallow the streets whole
keep the bus from coming
let us stay at home
so we can avoid the daily drudgery
the cruelty fueled from laughter that will echo in our sleep

the season, weakening the hold
the blades dulled from the front that hints the snow
warming the engine slowly turns
stuttering awoken from the sounds of the shovels scraping concrete
at that age when everything is seemingly life or death

please let the snow swallow the streets whole
keep the bus from coming
let us stay at home

adrenaline fuels my
fist grinds my teeth through sleep
adrenaline fuels my
fist grinds my teeth through sleep

please let the snow swallow the streets whole
keep the bus from coming
let us stay at home
please let the snow swallow the streets whole
keep the bus from coming
let us stay at home



when i can't assign people their exact places and times in my life, i don't know what to do with myself. i know i can't and/or shouldn't; but i'm like a passive audience to my own existence and i can't figure out what it is i need to do to get that control back. maybe there's nothing TO control, or needing to be controlled, or able to be controlled, and maybe that's why i'm more often than not just standing there against the current as their shoulders beat against mine, going WHAT THE FUCK NOW?!

new york was a fun trip -- entirely too short for my liking -- and i came to a few conclusions i can live with. i'm still incredibly, insanely, inimitably grateful -- to whatever, whoever -- to have known and maybe loved him. to expound on that would be to understand it, which is something i'm not really capable of right now.

i guess if anything i am happy... but i can't help but feel like something's just come to a complete circle and i can't figure out what.

i am more or less just wiped out, in every possible sense. i am lonely and i don't know what i'm doing with them. them. sheeeeit.

i'm a little tired of people telling me i'm the strongest person they know, as if i'm doing this for you, as if i'm some kind of behavioral paradigm for people in mourning, as if each day weren't about keeping my head above the water, not because i'm particularly strong but because i'm just fucking surviving whether i want to or not, just like everyone else around me.

it's not comforting. it's not flattering. i don't appreciate it. it's presumptuous and inconsiderate. stop.

i’ve reach a point where i think i have it all.
no more notes, so take me now.

this could be the final song, cos’ i think i have it all.
only time can tell, but take me now.
cos’ i don’t wanna know if everything must go.
please let me have this.
or take me now.

please let me have this.



more often than not i still feel like a stupid, snotty, naively self-important kid, and i can't decide if what you're doing is helping me to forget or only making me more acutely aware of it.

it's not that complicated though. i just wanna experience you with my five senses again, as sheer and artless as it came before.

i'm doing fine though. you are too.

I AM GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING PARIS

TO STUDY DRAWING AND PAINTING

THROUGH PARSONS

ON SCHOLARSHIP

HOLY DICKS

HOLY DICKS

LEAVING EARLY IN JULY

NOT COMING BACK FOR A MONTH



***ALSO, GO LISTEN TO DE DE MOUSE RIGHT FUCKING NOW, HE IS A GENIUS

fuck, i can't stop watching spirited away. i don't even know why but it makes me cry a little every time. :/

and the soundtrack is pretty sweet.

as of a few days ago, i'm abstaining from dairy products. i'm kinda lactose intolerant to begin with so i've never been able to just drink a glass of milk. i don't think purchasing chemically processed, lactose-free milk is the way to go anymore. shit's nasty and all it ever did was make me sick.

i've been off milk for a few days and i think i already feel better.

back in federal way for the time being and i'm kind of sad that i'm here. i don't know. yakima has never been nor ever will be my home but... i don't know. there is that constant feeling of having been uprooted, but uprooted from what? federal way still sucks as much as it did before. i know everything i write in this thing is angsty and largely insignificant but i don't think i've ever been so consistently, unrelentingly disenchanted. i'm not suffering or miserable or anything by any means. i'm not content either. and more and more i feel like coming here was a mistake. not yakima specifically. i don't even give a shit about yakima. this place is fine. it's alright. the weather's nice. the people smile when you make eye contact. the mexicans next door are awesome, all they ever do all day is sit on their porch and puff on swishers and play mariachi. the taco bus is rad. yeah. yakima's fab and everything. i'm pretty used to it. but there's something small and nameless but TOTALLY THERE that's throwing me way off balance and i don't know what to do about it. i'm constantly depressed and lacking energy and i take everything way too personally. often i feel taken for granted. i just want this part of my life to be over with because it's making me resent the people i love and it's making me dislike myself more and more for giving in to ugly sentiments.

in any case, i'm moving out early. i've already called the landlord and arranged to have my name taken off the lease, so i'll probably be leaving late may to early june. and after that, my summer is pretty busy. i'm going to see my sick grandmother in korea for a while and then i'm going to paris to study. PUMPED.

on a much happier note, josh came to visit with a couple of his friends over the weekend. it did more for me than i think he realizes. also, i've made some pretty concrete plans to move to (south?) seattle with von and some other people in early to mid september. so fuck yeah.

home is something of an abstraction, not any single place i can point to on a physical map and say "here. this is my home. right here." federal way might have been home for me when i was smaller and lived with my parents in their warped american dream manifesto... but it's not for me. and i guess i'm not alone in that. it's just a sad revelation.

i've moved to a place that might as well be a different planet. maybe it's just the climate/terrain, which should be trivial, but it feels a little like having been plucked from one hemisphere and tossed into the other. but i guess essentially wherever you go the people don't change much. they smile at you in check-out lines and honk like bastards when you fail to stomp on it 0.5 seconds after the light turns green. sometimes i can forget that i'm out of touch with everything. i mean, i'm not miserable here. i'm just uncomfortable, like wearing a pair of half-size-too-small shoes. i can stop thinking about it for periods of time but that gouge in the ankle is always there. and i'm pretty sure amara has gotten sick of me bitching about it.

i overeat, i space out, i'm paranoid, i'm sad and i want out. i just don't know what or where 'out' is. i don't want to keep running in circles.

once i find a job (i am going to punch whoever told me finding a job in crackima would be easy), maybe meet some new people, i'm sure i'll feel better. for all my melodramatic whining, the bottom line is that i'm just not adjusting quickly/well to a town i'd barely even visited before moving to. apprehensions aside, six months is a long time, but i really do intend to make the best of it. no, really. FUCK MY BUTT

lately i seem to blow at this whole journaling thing.

so amara and i moved to what is commonly known as the butthole of washington (YAKIMA) a couple of weeks ago. i'm actually back in seattle for a day or two to spend time with my family over easter weekend. i'm still not sure how i feel about this place. on one hand i no longer have to make excuses to avoid seeing people i hate: "i live three hours away from everything ever" is a pretty legit one. the people are alright, the drivers are just as bad, the air makes my lungs hurt, and the only azns around here own liquor stores, smoke shops or laundromats. i go to all three on a regular basis because we don't own a goddamn washing machine.

that said, i'm pretty homesick. i miss the ocean, i miss seeing those stupid seagulls in the parking lot of paldo world when the coast is miles away, i miss paldo world, i miss knowing where everything is, i miss SOME people, i miss being twenty-five minutes away from one of my favourite cities, i miss NOT HAVING TO PAY $10 ON LAUNDRY EVERY TIME, i miss my dog, i miss television, i miss trees, i miss having a proper mailbox, bitch bitch whine whine

all things considered though, living in yakima should be interesting at the very least. i start school in approx nine days. maybe i'll meet some people. i'm kinda lonely up here, so all i (we) ever do is play video games and get wasted. which is starting to be a little less awesome than it sounds.